Let’s talk about public image, social anxiety and vulnerability. I don’t think we talk about vulnerability enough. I don’t think we like to even think about it, that is, I don’t think we like to dwell on our frailties and imperfections. These days, according to the cultural milieu, we are all supposed to be able to keep it together, all the time. And if you can’t manage that, well, you probably haven’t tried hard enough, have you? Maybe you should do some more yoga? Or eat more kale?Continue reading But that’s taboo: vulnerability and other things you can’t see.
Chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) feels taboo to me because it is, well….weird. Because it just doesn’t seem like a real thing. There’s a certain stigma attached to it. It’s invisible (obviously). There’s no definitive test for a diagnosis. And, for me at least (because it is mild in my case) I often actually feel “fine” and present as “fine” (or more than fine even). Until I’m not. And then I’m really not fine.
It is actually still hard, even for me, to believe that this “chronic fatigue thing” exists, and that I am trapped in its world. To this day, it is extremely hard for me to comprehend what has happened, and continues to happen, to my body. Which is why I’ve taken to affectionately joking with my husband about CFS – my “fake illness”. Because it really does feel unreal.Continue reading But that’s taboo: Chronic fatigue, my fake illness
In his recent book “On Writing” Stephen King reflects that, among many things, he often ends up writing about work. “People love to read about work. God knows why, but they do” he says.
I’ve certainly found much to reflect on when it comes to work, but I’m rather glad to be at the end of this little bit of work. It has taken up much emotional and mental space and I am ready to move on with renewed vigour and, well, get back to work.Continue reading But that’s taboo: The modern mother (or complaints of a stay at home mum or fear of missing out or navigating modern motherhood) Part IV
Hello again! And thank you for reading along and making it this far in the series! This topic is big, it’s complex and it’s emotive and sometimes to this day it’s still a little bit taboo!
By the way – I actually love being a stay at home parent! I really, genuinely love it. And, as much as I am somewhat having a bit of a grumble, I literally do count my blessings every single day. I am abundantly blessed in innumerable ways and not a day goes by without humble recognition of this fact. Life is short. There are no guarantees. I live each and every day thanking God for what he has provided and asking for the grace to accept whatever comes my way.
That being said, as much as I appreciate and enjoy the gift of raising my kids, I would also really, really like to be working outside the home too. But sometimes that is far easier said than done, right?! So, the question I am focussing on today is: why is it so hard for some of us mothers to combine work and parenthood?Continue reading But that’s taboo: The modern mother (or complaints of a stay-at-home-mum or fear of missing out or navigating modern motherhood) Part III
Hello and welcome back for Part II of the Modern Mother.
Thanks for all the comments and feedback on Facebook about Part I. It’s heartening to know that I’m not at all alone in the struggles and challenges that modern motherhood throws at us! I mean, motherhood across cultures and time has no doubt always had its challenges and some places and time in history have had many more challenges than others. But in the modern western world changes to society and culture are so rapid at the moment such is the situation that, while there is of course significant overlap, many challenges we face today were simply non-existent for our our grandmothers or even to some extent our mothers. They had their own set of cultural roadblocks. We have ours.
In Part I of this series I explained how partly by choice, partly by circumstance I’ve spent the past almost 11 years mostly as a stay at home mum. And, it sounds funny to say it, but this actually comes as a bit of a shock to me! Being a stay at home mum for 11 years straight wasn’t what I was planning at all! Before becoming a mother I knew that I wanted to predominantly be at home with my children as they grew up. I knew that for sure. And I haven’t changed my mind about that at all. It’s just that I also knew, with equal certainty, that I wanted to continue to work in some part time capacity. I’ll go into more detail about this later but suffice to say, given just how much I wanted to continue to work, I am truly shocked and surprised that nearly 11 years have passed and one of those desires has been fulfilled, but the other one hasn’t. I’m both curious and quite frankly a bit worried to know why this is the case.
In Part I, I asked myself, as happy as I am in my decisions to be with my children as they grow, why did I at the same time neglected my career so badly? Couldn’t I have done both?
I succeeded in one of my significant personal goals, namely to be at home with my children as they grew up but largely failed in the other, that is to continue to work. How and why did that happen?Continue reading But that’s taboo: The modern mother (or complaints of a stay-at-home-mum or fear of missing out or navigating modern motherhood) Part II
I’m becoming just a teeny bit afraid that I’m missing out on something really good and I’m going to regret it! Basically I’m what is called a stay-at-home mum and I have been for most of the past ten years. Partly by choice, partly by circumstance. What is dawning on me is that, in staying home for so long, I might have seriously undermined my chances of a career. Or at the very least, I’m looking back on the past ten years and wondering if I could have used them more “productively”, if I’ve missed out on opportunities that were there, in terms of career, that I just didn’t take!
I feel like in the modern world, due to the enormous efforts of feminism, there is a place for me in the workforce while I raise children. It feels like feminism has made it possible (and so much easier than in previous generations) for me to participate in the workforce while being a mother. And what concerns me or worries me is that, for some reason, I haven’t taken up this option, this hard won “privilege” or “right”. Instead I’ve just stayed at home…
I have previously been broadly confident and content the in choices I’ve made in this sphere. But last year, as my most recent two years maternity leave came to a close I become a little panicked. It felt like a huge fork in the road moment. My career has been so stop-start for nearly 11 years. I’ve had three children and moved twice since leaving university. I’ve put on hold the final two years of my post-graduate training so that I can focus on parenting. And now as a nearly 40 year old, with only the equivalent of 2 years full-time post training work experience, it feels very, very daunting to try to get back in the game again.
My fears and possible regrets centred around this one question – What have I done?! Have I recklessly thrown away my career? Possibly unnecessarily? These questions and their answers have unsettled and disturbed me for months now. What’s done is done. I’ve made my bed so to speak and I can’t by lie in it. Clearly, I can’t change the past but I do want to, at the very least, learn from it. I want to mine the past, my choices, both my active choices and my passive ones, for any possible clues which might help me make better decisions now, and in the future.
So I’m asking myself a bunch of questions about the past, the present, the future and the future I would like to see for my daughter. For the past my question is this: as happy as I am in my decisions to be with my children as they grow, why have I at the same time neglected my career so badly? Could I have done both?
For the present and for my future the question is: what do I do next? I am having just the darnedest, most difficult time figuring that one out. I’m asking myself all the questions for this one – Do I even want to work at all? Why do I want to work? Do I have to work outside the home in order to live a “good” life? Am I missing out if I chose to remain at home longer than is fashionable these days? Am I allowing myself to be mindlessly swept up in views and opinions that are not truly my own? Are there things personal to me that are preventing me from taking the awkward leap back into the workforce? Am I settling for something less than what could have been? Should I have wrestled with these questions, like, 20 years ago?
For my daughter future: if I could go back to my 12 year old self, my 18 year old self, my 24 year old self, what would I want to tell her? What do I want my daughter to think about when she turns 12, 18, 24 in terms of her place and value and potential in society? And, possibly more importantly, what do I want my sons to think about their place and value and potential in society as well as the women around them when they turn 12, 18, 24?
That’s what these posts will be about. Trying to answer these questions. It’s a personal as well as a social critique of the issue of combining paid work with parenting, especially in the early years. It feels taboo because it so personal and so tricky because, well, we all know that children, especially young children, need a lot of input in order to grow and develop into strong, happy, healthy adults. We all know it takes not just one or two adults to raise a child well, but that children flourish in communities. We all flourish in healthy communities.
And yet, in the west, we live in capitalist economies where time is money and goods and services are traded for profit and jobs are not just for money but for status, purpose, meaning, and community. But you can’t take your kids to work so….it gets tricky.
Be warned: this is a rather long and rather messy, rambly post. There is not much structure to it but I’m posting it in three parts (or more!) to break it down a bit. It is a bunch of thoughts and ideas collected from everywhere and anywhere: comments made by friends or family or friends of friends; blog posts; newspaper and magazine articles, the Bible, podcasts and books.
The months and months I have spent wading through this collection of opinions and facts and personal experience have proved to be invaluable for me personally. I still don’t have solid answers to all my questions and I still don’t know which path to choose regarding paid work. But I do have a more clarity of thought around this issue compared to six months ago and I wish I had taken the time to do this thinking years ago, like, probably when I was 12!
I hope that these posts may be of some help of use to others as we all navigate our own paths through the challenges of motherhood in the modern age.
And on that note, let’s dive in.
(Part 2 out next week)
I guess my earlier posts are best described as ‘birth stories’. What I want to write about this time is labour itself, which, to be honest, feels a bit taboo.
Sharing birth stories also felt somewhat taboo to me in the sense that I had three positive stories to share and I did not want to appear to be gloating (I sincerely hope that it did not come across that way).
However, writing in more detail about my personal experience of labour feels even more taboo in the sense that, in my circles at least, there seems to be a general yet unspoken rule that your labour is personal and private. Or maybe thats just me interpreting things weirdly?!
Anyhow, as I explained in the introduction to this series, I don’t think its helpful in the long run to keep positive birth stories out of view (so to speak). So today I’m writing about my experience of labour. Read along if you’re interested in a more intimate retelling of a first labour that went really, really well.Continue reading But that’s taboo: Labour, the other story
I want to write a little about some topics that might sometimes be considered to be a little bit taboo. Well, taboo is probably too strong a word. Perhaps the topics I’m thinking of would be better described as awkward or uncomfortable rather than completely taboo.Continue reading But that’s taboo…
Dearest littlest one,
Here is your story and ours too, of the day you joined our family after we had waited so very long for you.Continue reading Home, heart: And then there were five.
Darling first born boy,
Here is your story and ours too, of the Sunny spring day you joined our little family.Continue reading Home, heart: Then there were four